Cooking: The Stories we live

A couple days ago, I called my friend Anu to check if I can come over to see her two new pups. She was out driving with another friend. She told the friend that yes I can go to see the pups and also if I would cook for about 15 people while I was there.

As I heard this, I felt a rage rise up in my gut. As I looked at this rage I saw many stories:
a) Anu thinks I just go over and dont help out
b) She has never appreciated my cooking and now wants to put me in a spot
c) I remembered all the times I had tried a new dish and she had either just looked at it, or tasted it and made a disgusted face.
d) Guilt: What kind of a person am I to get angry at being asked for a favor?
e) I remembered all the times when I had invited over 10 people home and cooked all day long and had been tired and resentful.
f) I remembered my ex-husband not enjoying my cooking

I kept going back to the feeling.

I then remembered my ex-boyfriend really appreciating my cooking and that being one of the reasons why I hung onto him for so long. I used to cook so much for him. I had a wave of gratitude towards him. Now this was an alternate truth. All my stories were pointing to me that I am not a good cook and I was feeling paralyzed at being asked to do something where I was bound to fail.

I then remembered where it all started. My mom had once asked me to help her in the kitchen when my grandma was visiting. She then criticized me for something. I was very angry with that. My mom then broke down and the whole incident was very emotional and filled with rage and guilt for me. My mom never really asked me to help her in the kitchen after that and I never really learned. Only when I had to live on my own I started cooking with the aid of cookbooks or my own creativity.

So I had a story around cooking from a young age and no wonder I had created so much drama around it through out my life. I had began to believe that:
a) I am not a good cook
b) Even if I cook I am not appreciated
c) Cooking leads to emotional pain

This past weekend I met a man who seemed to be a food enthusiast. As he talked about cooking and eating and his mom being a great cook, I think subconsciously my anxiety was getting triggered. I reflected this in Anu asking me to cook for 15 people. I told Anu this whole story too and I am glad to be surrounded by awake friends who I can be vulnerable with.

I think seeing the story itself breaks the grip it had on you.

When I look at this process, I see grace everywhere in it. Earlier I would have simply focused on my resentment at Anu for asking me. Now, thanks to grace:
a) I can observe my thoughts
b) Be present to the feeling
c) Grace pointed out alternate truths, leading to gratitude and higher consciousness
d) Grace pointed out where the story started
e) Grace played the entire story to me showing me how this story has affected my life

I think once you set the intention to awaken, you are always shown the way.
Ever in gratitude,
Samanvitha