Always guided for the highest good

While reading Bringers of the Dawn, I resonated to the statement "I am always guided for my highest growth, highest evolution, and highest consciousness".

I went to LA this weekend to meet a man I had never met, but had grown to appreciate. I asked Anu and Rajeev to give me a Deeksha (Oneness Blessing) on Friday night and held the intention that I be guided for my highest growth, evolution and consciousness.

On Saturday morning Rajeev dropped me off at the airport an hour before my flight. I initially went up to the ticketing and check-in and found that the line for bag check-in was incredibly long - at least 60 people. I noticed my anxiety. I then came down again and decided to do curb-side check-in. This line was shorter - 20 people. I stood for 10 mins in this line and the line shortened to 19 people! I observed my anxiety increase some.I heard the guy behind me get really anxious and his wife try to calm him down. I realized I was reflecting my anxiety. I became present and observed my breath, my environment and my feelings. I repeated that I am always guided. I now had about 35 mins left for departure and the line still had about 17 people. They were actually processing one person every 10 mins! At this point the Deeksha worked - my intention that I be always guided went from intellectual to experience. At this point I surrendered.

I felt a wave of detachment from outcome wash over me. I suddenly did not care if I go, don't go, go on the next flight, etc. After all, I know I am guided for my highest good, so whatever the outcome, that is for my highest good. So in this state, the next logical thought hit me. I said I can throw away my toiletries and can always buy them in LA. This way I can carry-on my bag. I took out my toilet case and examined it. I would have to throw away a lot. I surrendered to that too. The next moment I held my toilet case in hand, suitcase in another and walked up back upstairs to Ticketing and check-in. The line was still HUGE.

There was an official walking by. I told him I have my flight in 30 mins and I need to check-in my bag. I asked if I can go to the head of the line. He looked at me and pointed me to the check-in counter where there were only 5 people!! Apparently the LONG line was for people like me, who already had printed a boarding pass and only needed to check-in their bags. The short line was for people who did not have their boarding pass!! I walked up to the first guy in this short line and explained my situation and he let me go next. So I checked my bag in and interestingly the security line was really short too. I got to LA with no other issues.

The Game of Life and the World being a reflection dawned on me again from this experience. The curb-side line not moving, the Express bag check being so long was a reflection of my anxiety. Another line so short that no one had noticed, me being allowed to go first, a short security line showed up as possibilities as soon as my inner state changed.

The process:
a) Observe your inner state
b) Become present to the herenow
c) At this point you are feeling your inner state and also observing yourself
d) The perfection of the herenow then shows up and at the same time a detachment from a future outcome. (The moment you observe and become present, awareness follows - This is grace)
e) At this point you surrender, you give up all control. You know you are ALWAYS GUIDED FOR YOUR HIGHEST GOOD. At this point Your will aligns with the Divine(Higher Self) will.
f) The actions if any will come naturally in this state.

This set the stage for my entire weekend. I had the most wonderful time. It was incredibly easy to be present, to feel at peace within myself and simply experience the other person with no judgments or expectations. All I reflected was my inner state - one of acceptance, peace, presence, safety and joy. There were no "shoulds". There was not "trying". There was an inner knowing that what is - is perfect, since I am always guided for my highest good, highest evolution, and highest consciousness.

So Be It. Always with love,
Samanvitha.

Live the Light

From Marianne Williamson's 1992 book "Return to Love". Made famous by Nelson Mandela in his inaugural speech.

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine,
we consciously give other people permission
to do the same.As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Bringers of the Dawn - Barbara Marciniak

I started reading Bringers of the Dawn a few months ago and although I felt a deep resonance in my feeling center, my mind quickly judged it and I had to put the book away. Especially the first few chapters tells a story that the logical mind can easily reject. Then I read Esateys's blog entry: Calling On YOU and Your TRUE Purpose and again there is a strong perceivable excitement and lightness. I feel tremendously drawn to this work. I commented on her blog entry:

"Thank you E!! From December 2006 things have been opening for me rapidly and when I came to the first retreat with you in August 2007 and asked to go home, it was the first time I was so clear about my purpose and you saw it then even more than I did. When you told me at the December 2007 retreat that we have some work to do together, every cell in my body was alive. they knew it was time. Last week has been a gift, the awareness was heightened. I observed the games of the ego in me and around me, but there was a strange detachment. A part of me wanted to feel the old pain and participate in the drama, but for the first time it was harder to play the old game than to not. It was harder to acknowledge the ego in others than to not. I could experience what they mean when they say be in the world but not of it. I could just be present, but not participate in the old stories. I am still not clear what my role is, but I am ready and open to receive."

So I again picked up Bringers of the Dawn and started reading it from some mid point and I feel deeply touched. I just wanted to use this blog entry to capture some of the content.

From this moment forward I do not base any of my future experiences on my past. I intend to experience each day as if I were a new born with no conditioning.

My thoughts creates my experience and my thoughts create my reality. All the time.

I want to accelerate my personal evolution. I want Spirit to assist me in a greater capacity. I want my body to regenerate itself. I want to emanate health. I am willing to give up difficulty so that I can be a living example of what humanity can be.

There is an impeccable purpose to everything I do. I am always given an opportunity for my highest growth. I am not afraid of what I create. I trust what I create. I create everything in my world. All the time. There is always something in it for me.

Eliminate the words "should" and "trying". I create, I do, I manifest, I intend.
I am effortlessly intending this to come about.

Always speak your truth. Eg: I do not believe in catching cold. I dont use my body for sickness. Know 100% of the time that you create your reality. You have a choice.

Spirit, I am wishing to be employed by you. Put me to work and show me what I can do. Give me the opportunity to live my light, to speak my truth, and to carry this light around the globe.

To my guides and all those who are assisting my evolutionary journey on Earth: It is my intention that I be successful. It is my intention that I be safe in all things I do. It is my intention that I receive love and give love in all things that I do. It is my intention that I have a good time and that I be provided for with prosperity according to my needs. It is my intention that I not become overly enamored of the material world.

I am in divine guidance. I am always at the right place, at the right time. Everything I do is orchestrated for the higher growth, my higher consciousness and my higher evolution.

If you wish to have acceleration, dive into something that brings up feeling. Stop skirting the issue so that you can think that you are in control. Dive in the middle of it and then see if you are in control.

If you do not give yourself permission to feel, you cannot learn.

I know what is going on. I know there is something here for me to learn, and something here for me to change. I believe that i am guided and that I am following a blueprint. So I will check it out by not judging it and going with the flow. I request that all my changes come in joy, safety and harmony. That is my decree. Everything in my evolution that I am intending is covered by that: I experience joy, safety and harmony. So I will go with this energy and see what is changing for me and what I need to give up.

Honor your friends as they go through their "stuff"; just dont get involved in it. Dont tell your stories more than 3 times. By talking you are not seeing, instead just seeking attention.

Am I operating with my highest integrity? Am I operating with love? Is love my intention foe Earth, the animals, all the people I encounter, and all the things I do?

Sex, Love and Oneness

I was having a conversation today with a man I feel more and more connected to. The conversation was about love and its manifestation as a physical connection or what we call sex, the emotional/heart connection what we call love, and the spiritual/soul connection which is compassion or Oneness. In an intimate relationship does the connection deepen starting with sex, moving to love and then if you are blessed to Oneness? And when you are in love or in oneness what is the role of sex?

I think life is a flow, as you reach higher planes of consciousness or connection, you still do have access to the lower planes and you can come down to play on those levels if you choose to. When you are experiencing Oneness, perhaps there is no role for sex, as you are One and there is no Other to experience. In otherwords you experience them so completely that the physical experience is but one small aspect of it. You can always choose to step into a lower level of consciousness to play the game of sex to experience another aspect of connectedness, but it would have a very different feel and essence to it is my guess.

When you are in Love or have a deep emotional heart connection, you are still conscious of being separate from the other. In this plane sex or passion has a more meaningful place. We all have a light side and a dark side. We need to express and experience both sides to feel alive and fullfilled in this existance. For a man the light sides might be providing, building, serving. For a woman it might be nurturing, caring, accepting etc. The dark sides for a man might be being powerful and agressive and for a woman being seductive and playful. (Note: When I say man and woman, I am primarily talking about masculine and faminine energies. We all have both these energies and sometimes due to conditioning a woman might behave more like a man and vice versa. Although I think we come alive in a different level when we get closer to our true nature) The dark sides need not be destructive, it is also the creative energy. While the light sides are the sustaining energy. When a couple feels safe to express and experience both their dark and light sides in a relationship it can really thrive and be very fulfilling and make room for a soul connection.

I think sexuality can provide the playing field for the dark energies of a couple. While love or the heart connection offers the playing field for the light energies. Now sexuality is broader than sex. Sexuality is actually mostly in the mind. It could just be flirting, a glance, a touch, but its what creates the aliveness. Pure sex without the sexuality in not sustainable in my opinion. A flow of the masculine and faminine dark energies can be more satisfying for a couple than a momentary flow the sexual fluids, while that too has its place in the flow of life.

XOXO ;)
Samanvitha

Pull of the Polarity

I feel the internal struggles intensifying. I have been listening to recording of Oprah 's class on Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth - Awakening to your Life's Purpose. I had read the book in March 2007 and it was the first time I began to get a clear perception of my Ego. Well its over a year now and while my awareness deepens, I am still very much caught up in the drama. I am not as identified with my thoughts and ego as I was, but sometimes I feel I cannot take the illusion of separation any longer. At the Oneness University, they talked about three types of suffering: Physical, Psychological and Existential (Spiritual). I seem to be stuck heavily in existential suffering and almost create psychological suffering, just because it is less intense, it is recycled, and i know how to deal with it.

When I went to my first retreat with Esateys in August 2007, she talked in depth about the Law of Polarity. It is another universal law, like the Law of Attraction. Basically the Law of Polarity states that anything you resist, persists. Another way they put it at the Oneness University is that "God is where all contradictions co-exist". This is also the reason why manifestation does not always work. Because when you focus on getting something, you tend to automatically resist not getting it. So basically all you can do is accept what is and resist nothing. This comes back again to what Eckhart is talking about, which is, be present to what is in the NOW. Because what is, is already so, there is no point resisting it.

I am finding this extremely challenging and frustrating. Because in accepting what is, I am resisting my Ego and it grows stronger with a vengeance. The Pull of the Polarity is very very strong. The only way out is Grace. I need grace to take my consciousness to another plane, where the laws are different. I have done everything to escape this suffering, create drama in my relationships, manufacture financial trouble, eat ice cream to put on weight.. basically drown myself in psychological suffering.. but the emptiness, the meaninglessness grows stronger. Even the regular dramas and traumas is not drowning this deep yearning for unification. They call it the Dark Night of the Soul and I seem to be stuck in it. They say each time you come out of the Dark Night, you reach a place of greater connectedness. But this is plagued by the Law of Polarity too. Each time I reach a place of greater connection, it is followed by a place of feeling disconnected and the suffering intensifies, because I feel trapped. I have all the answers and yet I seem to have none. I am as lost as ever.

I know there are many who are out there who are feeling this. Perhaps its time to unite together stronger than ever to create a permanent shift in consciousness.

Karma

In Indian philosophy we have this concept of Karma. When people are hit by hardship they believe they are paying for their bad karmas from the past. They consciously try to do good, in order to collect good karma for the future. When they do something bad, they try to offer some prayers etc, to nullify the bad karma from that deed. The cycle of rebirth continues because of the karma carried forward from the past lives.

The reason this came up is that I dated an Osho follower for little over a week many months ago. Today suddenly he suggested that I should be pondering over my Karma since it will catch up with me. He appears to be still hurt by our breakup. Just a few weeks before that I dated a Tony Robbins follower for a weekend. He said he is afraid of Karma. This person turned around and started hitting on a very close friend of mine by the end of the weekend :)

Like everything else in life, if you believe the cycle of karma exists, then it does. Your thoughts and beliefs manifest. Now that is a Law. If you believe life is in the here now - always in the present, then that is so.

Osho says "in my vision of life, yes, every action is bound to have some consequences, but they will not be somewhere else, you will have them here and now. Most probably you will get them almost simultaneously. When you are kind to someone, don't you feel a certain joy? A certain peace? A certain meaningfulness? Don't you feel that you are contented with what you have done? There is a kind of deep satisfaction. Have you ever felt that contentment when you are angry, when you are boiling with anger, when you hurt somebody, when you are mad with rage? Have you ever felt a peace, a silence descending in you? No, it is impossible. You will certainly feel something, but it will be a sadness that you again acted like a fool, that again you have done the same stupid thing that you decided again and again not to do. You will feel a tremendous unworthiness in yourself. You will feel that you are not a man but a machine, because you don't respond, you react. A man may have done something, and you reacted. That man had the key in his hands, and you just danced according to his desire; he had power over you. When somebody abuses you and you start fighting, what does it mean? It means that you don't have any capacity not to react."

Life is always in the herenow. If you experience a joyful moment, the moments you create from that joyful moment can also be joyful. If you are stuck in a place of unpleasantness, you need the awareness of how you got yourself there through your own thoughts, beliefs and actions. For this awareness you need Grace. You need to surrender and ask to be shown. These insights and awareness does not come from the mind. It comes from the soul, from your higher dimensions. Before we ever hope to get the awareness, we need to experience the feeling fully. The feeling could be pain, anger, jealousy, despair, remorse.

At the Oneness University, we were told that at the end of each day to take 10 - 15 mins to go over the day and give thanks to all the beautiful moments, the lessons, the coincidences which are a direct manifestation of Grace in our life. Then to go over all the unpleasantness and feel any unfelt feelings, request the Divine to heal the hearts we have hurt. I think what it comes down to is awareness.

Karma is a choice. You can choose to live the past - future reality or you can choose to experience everything in the herenow and break this cycle of Karma.

From the heart,
Samanvitha

Am I good enough? Am I loved?

I first recognized this at Unleash the Power Within seminar I attended by Tony Robbins. These are core fears all human beings have. I am not enough and I wont be loved. This forms the basis for separation. They explained this scientifically at the Oneness University. When a child is born the Mother secretes a hormone called Ocitocin which makes her love the baby no matter what. When this hormone starts the wear off, the child realized that secure love is not there anymore. The child recognizes that it is not enough to be himself or herself to be loved. The core fears of I am not enough and I wont be loved for just being me are thus born.

This awareness in 2006 itself has helped me a great deal in loving myself, being more gentle with myself and others. The realization that this is in everyone, and manifests in different ways like being funny, acting like a victim, getting angry, working too hard, achieving things, all ways of showing ourselves and others that look you can love me now because I am enough (strong enough, weak enough, funny enough, successful enough). Its all the ways the child used to get love from the parents once the ocitocin wore off.

But the core fear is ever waiting to resurface. We often get lost in the layers and dont recognize it as this core fear. When I was at the Oneness University, one of my friends made a comment to me that the guide said he liked her more than he liked me. This was an obviously childish joke to tease me. I recognized that I felt a pain in my heart as I heard this. Immediately I noticed my mind racing to come up with a smart retort, to blame her, to get angry at her, to dislike the guide, to feel sorry for myself, to raise above the occasion and make her look silly. I kept going back to the pain in my heart. Soon I was crying. I kept observing my mind's struggles, but I kept going back to that feeling in the chest. I just lay down and asked the divine to allow me to feel this feeling fully. I felt the energy coursing through my body in waves after waves. After about an hour, I reached my core pain emerging from the core belief that I am not good enough. I felt a tremendous relief and release, because it was clear that my suffering and pain had nothing to do with what my friend had said. Its a common human suffering that was flowing through me.

There was only joy because I was not separate. I was One with all of humanity. I was experiencing what each one of us experiences from time to time. It was no longer personal suffering. When I am one with the whole, how can I not be loved? How can I not be enough? Who can love whom? There is only love. The lover, the loved and love all One.

However, in my case this realization does not yet seem to persist. I come back to it again and again.

So much love,
Samanvitha

Relationship patterns

Wow! What a day. So much learning. Its left me feeling very grateful on one hand, but quite sad on another. Ever since I have declared that spiritual growth and relationships are a priority, these events keep manifesting that make me see things about myself - my conditioning. Its really hard to see it and even harder to break it.

This friend of mine and I have had a turbulent relationship. We have been there for each other through some tough times, so the friendship endures, but almost everytime we meet there is some unpleasantness. Today when we met again in no time we were both getting hurt and upset. I suddenly remembered one of the teachings from the Oneness University which is "Suffering is not in the fact, but in the perception of the fact". It became very clear to me that I tend to make him feel guilty very easily and he tends to put me down all the time. It occurred to me that guilt is a theme in his life (he is not able to do more, be more, give more etc) and not being good enough is a theme in mine (I can do more, be more, give more). Actually we are both quite similar, but we reflect the worst to each other all the time. So suffering is not in what we are actually saying to the other, but how we each perceive what we hear. What is worse is that these reactions become a habit, a patten, a conditioning. Each argument follows the same pattern unconsciously.

Esateys mentions this all the time too. A relationship will show you all your unfinished business (conditioning). It will only show you - YOU. Dont keep looking for a relationship, unless you are willing to look all the pieces of yourself that you dont particularly like. A relationship will also show you all the beautiful sides of you, but be prepared to see the unpleasant stuff too.

This can happen very easily in an intimate relationship too. I am sure most couples are stuck in some such loops and are not able to get out of it. If both parties are aware and committed to the relationship, this awareness can really help move things forward. First of all we would need to help each other overcome the core belief around guilt and being good enough. This could be done through heartfelt understanding and unconditional love. Then when our buttons are pushed at least one person could make a different choice to break that pattern or conditioning or reactive cycle. The quality of life can improve so much if couples are able to do this for each other, really help each other see their conditioning and break out of it. I think when conditioning and these old unhelpful ideas are gone, what is left is love, joy and a whole lot of creativity.

In our case, the awareness came, but we did not have the will to understand or the commitment to break through. Its sad. Sometimes you can break through at others you have to let go.

So much love,
Samanvitha

Deeksha and Running

I ran my first ultra marathon(50 km) on April 19th, 2008. Before my race I asked two of my blessing giver friends (Anu and Rajeev) to give me a Oneness blessing with the intent that the race feel effortless and I finish feeling strong and joyous. An account of my experience is on my running blog.

Bottom line, it works :)

Fabulous Death

At my age, in my early 30s, I don't spend a lot of time thinking of death. I just spoke to my beloved friend, teacher, and mentor Esateys and she said even in her late 50s she feels like she is in her 20s or 30s and does not really think or feel old. I am shocked when some people think my parents are old. Its becoming clear to me that we carry an image of ourselves and those in our life and relate to and from that image. Its not just about age, the image is all the labels through which we relate to the world and ourselves. I am slim-fat, lazy-energetic, bright-dull, generous-frugal, selfish-selfless so on and so forth.

The reason this topic came up is that I was reading Esateys' blog and she mentioned that she intuitively knew she needed to get a CT scan. They found a tumor and she had surgery last week. It was benign and she is recovering fine. When I read her blog entry, there was no fear in me, for a part of me knew she will not leave just yet. But last week my brother had a car accident in India. I was to pick up my close friend with the same name as my brother from the airport that day. When I heard the news, I felt a deep pang. Nothing happened to my brother, but it reminded me about how fleeting life is, and anything can happen. What you take for granted in this moment, can be gone in the next.

This topic had also come up with my new Soul friend whom I discovered a few weeks ago. He said he does not think about a fabulous life, but thinks about a fabulous death. He said "I feel that every persons life is like movie script. It has its own laughter, drama, good and bad. Before one dies, their whole script goes through their mind. It is like a few seconds movie. At the end of the movie either you smile or you frown. If you frown then your life wasn't fabulous and if you smiled then your life and your journey was worth it. So if we can think about this kind of death, then we can be more aware of what kinda movie we want to play when we die."

I am also thinking about the difference in my reaction to the possibility of loss of Esateys and my brother/friend. One reason could be that when I am with Esateys, I am usually at a higher plane of consciousness. Her energy quickly brings me to the present. When I am with her, I experience her, I experience myself, I feel very connected. I carry this connection with me at all times. So there is a fulfillment I feel about my relationship with her. I also feel, I will never really lose her. I know her spirit and essence will endure with me. I feel one with her.

With my brother and my friend, this is not the case. There is so much unresolved I feel. I have not experienced them. There is still a separation. There is him and there is me. It clarifies my goal for life. My purpose here is to really feel one. One within my self, one with others, one with mother earth and one with the universe. This can only happen if I can experience reality as it is. There is true fulfillment only in that. The movie I want to see when I die, is a string of moments fully experienced - every laughter, every drama, all that was good and bad.

Hugs,
Samanvitha