Being Authentic

Anandagiriji from Oneness University says the journey begins with the recognition of where you are. He also says all suffering arises from wanting to be someone we are not.

Sri Anandagiriji's about Psychological Becoming:

All of us are constantly striving to become beautiful people. We want to change ourselves, transform ourselves, become perfect in every way. We don’t want to be angry, we don’t want to be judgmental, we don’t want to be jealous, we don’t want to compare, we don’t want to be dishonest; we want to become this beautiful person. And all of us carry within us the image of this beautiful person. The image painted to us by our religion, by our scriptures, by our spiritual tradition, by our society, by our parents. What is this image? The image of the person, who is never angry, who is never anxious, who is never afraid, who is sweet, full of love, generous, non-judgmental, non-jealous, etc … and constantly you are trying to become this person. You read a book and see you can become this person. You go to a temple, mosque, church, a synagogue and see if you can become this person or you attend lectures like this, seminars like this, hoping you would become this person. There is constantly a war, a battle of conflict happening within, a conflict between what you are and what you should be like, your present state and the beautiful person you should be, and that is why we constantly find ourselves evaluating every thing into two. Evaluating our thoughts, our speech, our actions, like a referee, saying this is good, this is bad, this should be there, this should not be there. You feel guilty, and then you do all things trying to feel better. We waste so much of our time, our energy and our life, just trying not to feel guilty. And you hope that one day you would become this beautiful person.

Today I experienced suffering again because of this. Having to do something was causing me unhappiness and so was not doing it. I had to really listen to my story. If I did not do it, I felt I was going to be perceived as mean, undependable, ungrateful. More than that in my own rule book I felt I should do what I have committed to do. I also had these expectations from my parents that one should go out of their way to be helpful. So I wanted to do this task due to all my rules and conditionings. My heart did not want to do it because it was inauthentic. Does this mean I am not a loving, caring person? This certainly did not feel good. Being authentic is not easy. You have to really face your deepest rules. Also listening to your heart need not always mean it will be a loving thing you do (although in the larger scheme of things it is more kind, because its real).

Ultimately I listened to my heart. I was called undependable. It hurt. I sat with that pain and also the guilt of having hurt another. I sat with all the explanations and the justifications my mind and ego came up with. I sat with the need to be told by others that I did the right thing. Sometimes there is pain in either option. You cannot be free of the pain... you can only be free of the fear of experiencing pain and be free of the fear of feeling guilty. There is so much in life we do or not do because we are afraid to feel guilty. There is perfection in it all when experienced fully.

Much Love,
Samanvitha