Fabulous Death

At my age, in my early 30s, I don't spend a lot of time thinking of death. I just spoke to my beloved friend, teacher, and mentor Esateys and she said even in her late 50s she feels like she is in her 20s or 30s and does not really think or feel old. I am shocked when some people think my parents are old. Its becoming clear to me that we carry an image of ourselves and those in our life and relate to and from that image. Its not just about age, the image is all the labels through which we relate to the world and ourselves. I am slim-fat, lazy-energetic, bright-dull, generous-frugal, selfish-selfless so on and so forth.

The reason this topic came up is that I was reading Esateys' blog and she mentioned that she intuitively knew she needed to get a CT scan. They found a tumor and she had surgery last week. It was benign and she is recovering fine. When I read her blog entry, there was no fear in me, for a part of me knew she will not leave just yet. But last week my brother had a car accident in India. I was to pick up my close friend with the same name as my brother from the airport that day. When I heard the news, I felt a deep pang. Nothing happened to my brother, but it reminded me about how fleeting life is, and anything can happen. What you take for granted in this moment, can be gone in the next.

This topic had also come up with my new Soul friend whom I discovered a few weeks ago. He said he does not think about a fabulous life, but thinks about a fabulous death. He said "I feel that every persons life is like movie script. It has its own laughter, drama, good and bad. Before one dies, their whole script goes through their mind. It is like a few seconds movie. At the end of the movie either you smile or you frown. If you frown then your life wasn't fabulous and if you smiled then your life and your journey was worth it. So if we can think about this kind of death, then we can be more aware of what kinda movie we want to play when we die."

I am also thinking about the difference in my reaction to the possibility of loss of Esateys and my brother/friend. One reason could be that when I am with Esateys, I am usually at a higher plane of consciousness. Her energy quickly brings me to the present. When I am with her, I experience her, I experience myself, I feel very connected. I carry this connection with me at all times. So there is a fulfillment I feel about my relationship with her. I also feel, I will never really lose her. I know her spirit and essence will endure with me. I feel one with her.

With my brother and my friend, this is not the case. There is so much unresolved I feel. I have not experienced them. There is still a separation. There is him and there is me. It clarifies my goal for life. My purpose here is to really feel one. One within my self, one with others, one with mother earth and one with the universe. This can only happen if I can experience reality as it is. There is true fulfillment only in that. The movie I want to see when I die, is a string of moments fully experienced - every laughter, every drama, all that was good and bad.

Hugs,
Samanvitha