Relationship patterns

Wow! What a day. So much learning. Its left me feeling very grateful on one hand, but quite sad on another. Ever since I have declared that spiritual growth and relationships are a priority, these events keep manifesting that make me see things about myself - my conditioning. Its really hard to see it and even harder to break it.

This friend of mine and I have had a turbulent relationship. We have been there for each other through some tough times, so the friendship endures, but almost everytime we meet there is some unpleasantness. Today when we met again in no time we were both getting hurt and upset. I suddenly remembered one of the teachings from the Oneness University which is "Suffering is not in the fact, but in the perception of the fact". It became very clear to me that I tend to make him feel guilty very easily and he tends to put me down all the time. It occurred to me that guilt is a theme in his life (he is not able to do more, be more, give more etc) and not being good enough is a theme in mine (I can do more, be more, give more). Actually we are both quite similar, but we reflect the worst to each other all the time. So suffering is not in what we are actually saying to the other, but how we each perceive what we hear. What is worse is that these reactions become a habit, a patten, a conditioning. Each argument follows the same pattern unconsciously.

Esateys mentions this all the time too. A relationship will show you all your unfinished business (conditioning). It will only show you - YOU. Dont keep looking for a relationship, unless you are willing to look all the pieces of yourself that you dont particularly like. A relationship will also show you all the beautiful sides of you, but be prepared to see the unpleasant stuff too.

This can happen very easily in an intimate relationship too. I am sure most couples are stuck in some such loops and are not able to get out of it. If both parties are aware and committed to the relationship, this awareness can really help move things forward. First of all we would need to help each other overcome the core belief around guilt and being good enough. This could be done through heartfelt understanding and unconditional love. Then when our buttons are pushed at least one person could make a different choice to break that pattern or conditioning or reactive cycle. The quality of life can improve so much if couples are able to do this for each other, really help each other see their conditioning and break out of it. I think when conditioning and these old unhelpful ideas are gone, what is left is love, joy and a whole lot of creativity.

In our case, the awareness came, but we did not have the will to understand or the commitment to break through. Its sad. Sometimes you can break through at others you have to let go.

So much love,
Samanvitha